I think I may have some idea of how a crack head feels. I don’t want to offend anyone by saying that, and if I already did- sorry… LOL… maybe stop reading. This week I thought I would just be real, and start to post some real shit on my blog on Friday. Maybe pictures, maybe not. Mostly me just rambling or ranting…or something in-between the two.

If you have been following me, I have cut out most of the sugar in my life- and I apologize for the lack of recipe posts- shit is bland without sugar or wheat so it gets repetitive- I WILL TRY and make creative things for you… Only if you want them. ANYWAYS… I guess this post is more of a confession then anything. UGH. Sugar is the devil man. It is all I can say. I went out for dinner with the boy and our friends Wednesday night. Drinks and dessert were ordered. DO YOU THINK I HAD ENOUGH WILL POWER??? I had it, in the beginning… I don’t know where it went. Maybe it drowned in the booze. I’M WEAK! I had a day of weakness and boy am I paying for it now.

What happened? Nothing crazy. But when I get together with my beautiful Gemini friend, we start to do Gemini things and priorities go out the window- any Geminis’ in the house??? I was like “Nah, I don’t need a drink!”. She’s asks me…”Are you sure??”  Then of course I say fuck it why not. But you see… I am learning about myself. I have an addictive personality. I can’t just have one. fjhsdjfdskfjdslkdhfkjdh! So after about 5 vodka sodas (I don’t even like vodka.. wheres my tequila??) and 3 sugary shots later, dessert was on the table in front of me like a huge pile of drugs. And the drug addict took the bait. Fuck was it delish. uuuuuuuuuuoommmmgaah… I honestly don’t know what is better. Sugar or sex. I am sure it stimulates the brain in the same places. It tasted so amazing! There was Key Lime Pie, Lava Cake, and a Peanut Butter Crunch Bar. I haven’t had dessert in a good 65 days…and I felt like a crack head. I felt a horrible stomach ache after; then in the morning I was SO tired and kept craving more shit! THE CYCLE CONTINUES BUT IT GETS WORSE. It’s so bad. I found myself looking for sugar yesterday and just not feeling satisfied. Obviously I took no photographic evidence of the desserts on Wednesday because I felt ashamed. HOW FUCKED IS THAT HONESTLY????!!!

I guess why I am writing this is because I am doing a strict program- where I’m not suppose to eat shit like this. I have after photos I am suppose to take… and if the photos don’t look like how I want them to.. I don’t know how I am going to feel. I would like to think I will just shake it off and keep moving forward. Another part of me is scared I am going to be disappointed and beat myself up… WHICH IS SO FUCKED. Sorry for swearing, but I never used to think like this. This candida stuff has me obsessing a little more then I have ever before. I could give two shits about food before- I would eat what I wanted and burn it off… now I feel like I am giving myself a complex. I know one day isn’t going to kill me, and I will be fine. I just don’t wanna go down the rabbit hole.The one hole being the sugar hole, the other one is the disorder hole. I DO NOT want to have distorted thinking about food and how I look! I just don’t. I WON’T!  I love my body- but I can slowly see myself picking it apart. Is this what girls do when they are in fitness competitions? Is this what happens? I am legit asking. This is not a good feeling.

I’m confessing that I had probably 1000 grams of sugar and 5+ drinks on Wednesday and it tasted absolutely amazing at the time. It feels shitty now and I am beating myself up about it. I don’t want that. I don’t even know why I am confessing this crap- but I wanna be real. I don’t eat clean 100% of the time- obviously that isn’t real or attainable. I am not going to say that I am 1000% confident it my body when sometimes I do feel this way. Will I ever be happy? Or will I always be worried about what is going to bloat me?? I hope this is a phase, but I have no idea… these questions I guess will be answered in time.

Do you struggle with anything I have mentioned today? Eating? Body Disorders? Lets have a conversation. 🙂 I know that you aren’t alone- I’m here right in it with you and if its interrupting your life- there is help. Let me know what you think. Thanks for listening.

*** DISCLAIMER- I am not beating myself up too much about consuming sugar ! I love myself, and I am not about to start throwing up my food. This is strictly just a confession and the thoughts that go around in my mind from time to time.

namaste bitch.


  1. I just read this as my little break from work and now I feel like I need to respond. I won’t patronize you with all the usual “you are a beautiful, you look great the way you are…” etc, because while those thing are very true (you are fabulous) they also kind of miss the point. I think the point here is to ask yourself why you are doing this? Most of your post above comments on the food, the body goals and how you feel about the way your body looks, how you feel about the bloating, the photos etc. but I think the more important question is why does that stuff matter to you? Are you only on this journey just because you want to look hot (there’s nothing wrong with that, most us feel that way) or because you want to be the best yogi you can be and think this healthy lifestyle will help, or because you have noticed you just generally feel better mentally and physically when you commit to this lifestyle?

    If its 100% because of the former, then I maybe you need to be concerned. If its for all three of those reasons or other personal benefits, maybe it’s okay. Maybe the frustration is just with having set a goal and feeling like you got a little of course.

    So here’s what I would ask yourself: if you knew that your body would look exactly the same with and without your unhealthy choices this week, would you make the same unhealthy choices and just be thankful for any amazing metabolism or would you stick to your plan? In other words, are you only doing this because you want to look a certain way or is it for all the other stuff as well? If the focus is entirely about how you look and you find your obsessing about it maybe it’s time to re-evaluate.
    I’m sorry that I have so many more questions than answers, but just know that most of us have those “what the fuck did I do” moments, they just make us human. I think the older we get maybe we have a few less of them and the reasons change, but they still happen. Its refreshing to seem someone whose actually willing to share those moments.

    1. Meghann, Thank you so much for reading my blog and responding! I love you! To answer your question as to why I am doing “this”… I think you are referring to the program and the candida diet? I’m doing the diet because of my yeast infections that I have been constantly getting for years, and the program for a new challenge. I have been easing off the candida diet slightly as it is really hard to maintain and I have read on numerous blogs that if you have the tinniest amount of sugar you have to start all over again. So I have still been watching my sugar intake, just not as strict as January! I am going into Polo Health in New West for an evaluation next week.

      Of course I would like to be in the best shape ever, and see how my body will transform- I know it is not going to have that competition look because I do not want that. I could never go on stage and let people evaluate how my body looks. That is redic to me. I would only do that if I decided I wanted to be a coach full time and win a title so it looks more professional- but it goes against literally everything I believe in so there is seriously a very slim, slim chance.

      I do feel happy and strong when I commit to a lifestyle like this as I always felt really controlled by food. I would always be the one eating the most and never really satisfied. In hindsight, it might be my fast metabolism and my workout schedule which I do not take for granted. I have always been active… since I was 3 or 4, but I do see it slowly changing. I believe I am frustrated because I am out of integrity with what I said I would do and it makes me mad. I know the simple solution is just to recommit and restore my integrity with myself and move forward.I want to be able look at a dessert on the table and say “no thanks… you are actually poison to my body”. But again, I guess I am allowed to have a “what the fuck did i do” moment once in a while 😛 xo

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